Why I’ve Decided to Lead a Celibate Life (for now…)
I realize this is a bit TMI. Don’t care.
1. Getting face-raped: Scared. Cried. Want to kill him now.
2. Losing my V-Card: Meant nothing. A decision made as a revolt against my parents who taught me that sex was an intimate decision between two people married. Or in love. I was neither married nor in love with my V-Card taker. Also, I believe I was high. And I probably cried.
3. Drunk sex: Giggly. Embarrassing. I forget everything. I don’t know what I’m doing. And although it does prevent the awkwardness that can occur during sober sex, it makes the morning after even more awkward. Do you cuddle? Do you get up immediately, get dressed, and do the walk (or drive) of shame back to your home? Also, I somehow always have to work the next day. I definitely cried.
4. Sober Sex: Awkward. Embarrassing. I remember everything. I still don’t know what I’m doing. And also, just ew. I cried 75% of the time.
5. Sex with someone you care about but don’t love in that way: Better, but so sad. So so sad. Also, drunk. Also, cried.
6. Break-up sex: Could this mean he still cares about me?! Did I even care about him? Feelings of guilt. Sad. Cried on the drive home. Cried more about the sex than about the break up because I knew that part was coming.
I’ve never had a good experience with sex. I feel guilty. I feel sad. Maybe I should have listened to my parents. Maybe it will be better with someone who actually likes me. Maybe it should be with someone who loves me instead. Regardless, I’m not doing it anymore. Not for now at least, and I think it’s a great decision.
